a year ago today...

I added running to my exercise regime. It was a desperate attempt on my part to try and change my mood. I woke up that day with a dark cloud hanging over me and I wanted it gone. I always heard about the endorphin high people claimed to experience but I just didn't think it was worth all that jarring of the bones. Besides, I enjoyed biking, hiking and almost daily hour long walks. I didn't feel the need to run.
The dark cloud morning came after a reprieve of not having one for awhile. I haven't written about this in a long time but the fact remains that I lost my dear brother-in-law Paul one year and nine months ago. It was such a complete shock. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack. That afternoon he was playing ice-hockey. He was only 43.
So there was a sea of grief that enveloped us all and still does to some extent. I found that losing a family member changed everything. Life as we knew it would never be the same.We all had to find a new way to navigate our days. I am writing we because as a family we are inextricably linked. When Paul died, we all felt it like a painful ripple effect.
So here I am having run 259.5 miles passed that dark cloud morning. I miss my brother-in-law Paul. I think of him everyday. I know he is with us though, watching over all of us. Sometimes I feel his presence when I am running. It feels like he's right behind me, rooting me on.

First golf outing

Yesterday was the first annual golf outing in memory of my brother-in-law Paul. It was held at the Lido golf club in Long Beach, NY. Paul's beloved companion Diane organized the event in his name to honor him. There must have been 250 people there. The night before we had thunderstorms and the weather forecast for Tuesday wasn't very hopeful. Yesterday morning before I opened my eyes I heard the man on the radio say, "It looks like we are going to have a beautiful day today." He was right about that. Check out the photos.


This was at the very beginning of the day. Everyone was just starting out at around 1PM.

Here they are finishing up. It was that end of day feeling. The light was beautiful. As the sun was setting, the cousins practiced putting.


It was a day filled with mixed emotions. It is beautiful that so many people attended the event showing their love and support for Paul and his family. Everyone came together sharing something Paul loved to do. Funds were raised for two important organizations here on Long Island.

And, even though we weren't able to see him, it's not as if Paul wasn't there. Knowing Paul, I saw him there when his siblings won their raffle prizes and when his niece and nephews got lucky somehow and was able to drive the golf cart around the course most of the day. I felt Paul with us when his two sister-in-law's were laughing hysterically at their inability to pick out soda while on a soda run. Paul was there when his brothers and sister played an excellent game of golf. He was also there when a family friend brought flowers to his mother, and another thoughtfully gave his Mom a shirt to wear to match the ones their foursome was wearing. And then at the end, through the kindness of his siblings, Paul gave Diane roses.

Thank you Paul for always reminding us about what's important and thank you for blessing us with your generous spirit.

Yesterday

January 9th marked the one year anniversary of my brother-in-laws death. It says something about a man when his mother, with all of his siblings & their partners gather together & spend the day remembering him. The love of his life brought roses & each of us threw them into the ocean where he swam. She brought us white balloons & we all wrote messages on them telling him how much we miss him & love him. My husband wrote simple words describing special memories that only they shared as children. I wrote how lucky I was to have him for a brother-in-law. I wrote for my son how much he wished he was there to be with everyone & how much he loves him. Then we released the white balloons & watched as they disappeared from view into the vivid blue sky knowing Paul would catch & read every one of them up in Heaven.

His love shouted to the sky,"...see how special you are!"

Talking to God

Have you ever heard a song that seems like it was written just for you, expressing how you feel in such a perfect way? I wanted to share these lyrics with you. They are so beautiful.

"Show Me"-John Legend

I realized as I lay down to sleep
We haven't spoke in weeks
So many things that I'd like to know
Come have a talk with me
I need a sign, something I can see
Why all the mystery?
I try not to fall for make believe
But what is reality?
Where do we go?
What do we know?
Life has to have a meaning
Show me the light
Show me the way
Show that you're listening

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Guess it's funny how I say thanks to you
For all you've given me
Sometimes the price of what you gave to me
I can't stop questioning
O God of love, peace, and mercy
Why so much suffering?
I pray for the world, it gets worse to me
Wonder if you're listening
When people go
Why do they go?
Why don't you choose me?
But someday I know
I'm gonna go
I hope you're waiting for me

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

Maybe we'll talk
Some other night
Right now I'll take it easy
Won't spend my time
Waiting to die
Enjoy the life I'm living

Show me that you love me
Show me that you walk with me
Hopefully, just above me
Heaven's watching over me

I had a dream early this morning...

my sister-in-law Mary and I & many other family members were entering my brother-in laws apartment, only it was in Montauk instead of Long Beach. We were unpacking food Mary had cooked. In the dream I was greeting everybody as they were just arriving. When I turned around I saw my brother-in law Paul sitting in a chair looking up at me & smiling. I was so happy to see him. He looked just like he did in the last dream I had. He was wearing a chamois colored shirt with a white t-shirt underneath & jeans, & he had the color red around him. When I turned away to tell everyone that Paul was here, I looked back at him & the chair was empty. I walked away feeling like I was going to cry because I realized he was still gone. I wasn't sure if I should tell everyone in the room about what I saw.I didn't want to upset anyone because I knew they were struggling in their own grief over losing Paul.

My bereavement counselor says we grieve the way we live. I didn't really know what she was talking about when she first told me that. Now as time is passing I am starting too. When someone plays such an important role in your life it is impossible to forget them. I still hear his voice in my head when I remember things he would say to me. Like when my husband & I drove him to college twenty something years ago with all his stuff packed in my car- I had gotten a new haircut & he kept calling me Joey Heatherton. Paul is still making me laugh every time I think of that. I think of Paul around Christmas time & how excited he would get as he shopped for his loved ones. Paul would call me up at least twice talking about what to buy for our son Ian. He always made a big deal over what to buy for him. It always had to be something special. Then Paul would talk about what he was buying for everyone else. It was very important to him to give of himself-he had true Christmas spirit. I hear his voice again when he used to call me up on the phone. The first thing he would say before anything else is, "How's my boy?" I will never forget that. Paul made sure his brother & I and especially Ian knew how important we were to him. Paul was like that with everyone he cared about. I also think of the small favors he used to ask me for & how happy that made me feel doing them for him. It made me feel like we were true friends. These are just a few of the day to day memories that have accumulated over all the years of knowing Paul. Other memories come back unexpectedly. Some make me laugh out loud. Others make me cry. Either way I am grateful for them & treasure them enormously.

One thing I am starting to realize is that life will never be the same without Paul. When I think about it, why would it be?
Who wouldn't miss knowing someone like Paul?

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye."-Antoine de Saint Exupery, from The Little Prince-