Thursday, October 2, 2008

a year ago today...

I added running to my exercise regime. It was a desperate attempt on my part to try and change my mood. I woke up that day with a dark cloud hanging over me and I wanted it gone. I always heard about the endorphin high people claimed to experience but I just didn't think it was worth all that jarring of the bones. Besides, I enjoyed biking, hiking and almost daily hour long walks. I didn't feel the need to run.
The dark cloud morning came after a reprieve of not having one for awhile. I haven't written about this in a long time but the fact remains that I lost my dear brother-in-law Paul one year and nine months ago. It was such a complete shock. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack. That afternoon he was playing ice-hockey. He was only 43.
So there was a sea of grief that enveloped us all and still does to some extent. I found that losing a family member changed everything. Life as we knew it would never be the same.We all had to find a new way to navigate our days. I am writing we because as a family we are inextricably linked. When Paul died, we all felt it like a painful ripple effect.
So here I am having run 259.5 miles passed that dark cloud morning. I miss my brother-in-law Paul. I think of him everyday. I know he is with us though, watching over all of us. Sometimes I feel his presence when I am running. It feels like he's right behind me, rooting me on.


MuseSwings said...

And he most probably is! Changes within the family, especially those that result in the permanent loss of a loved one are so difficult. You have to reshuffle your entire life, but the emptiness is still there. The fact that he was loved so by everyone, and still is, is a credit to all of you for bringing him so completely into your family that he became an essential part of it. He must have been a wonderful and giving person!

Anonymous said...

Okay, you know how Jonny's been working out a lot? Over the summer he would come into the room all sweaty after taking his protein drink and he would flex his muscles and then say how great a high he was getting from the endorphins. I personally thought it was a tad gross...
Good job on running the miles. We just ran the mile in gym (9 min 43 was my time) and I nearly passed out from cramps. I think it's really admirable how you force (maybe not force) yourself to run a lot. Good Work! - the only blue eyed grandchild

Ming the Merciless said...

Sorry to hear about the sudden loss. He was way too young to leave this world. Hope his family are doing okay now.

Glad you decided to be pro-active about your dark clouds. These couple of months have been very stressful for me. I keep telling myself to be pro-active and positive about everything. I should start running.

Was it hard when you started? I am not a runner, never have been and not sure how much I can do. I definitely need to exercise more to reduce the stress and weight.

Kitty said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Wow. 43 is so young.

I encourage you to run or jog. Or swim, which is easier on the bones. At the gym I run on the treadmill, which is pretty lame, but it gets the blood flowing and is better on one's knees than the streets.

It takes a long time to deal with such a tragedy. I hope the exercise is helping? I feel terribly guilty when I don't exercise, which is a good thing.

Hope you're well!

Ming, I hope you pick up exercise, too. It's not terribly difficult to start, just be easy on yourself.

In the long run, exercise is a way to take care of yourself. And it can be fun.

Claire, said...

Oh my how tragic and how lovely. Truly inspiring. I'm sure he is so proud of you and your outlook, I am.

Lily Hydrangea said...

Museswings you are so right about my brother in law as a loving and giving person. He is my husbands brother & he was the type of in-law that made me feel like I was a real part of my husbands family.He was like that with everyone. Thanks for your kind thoughtful words.

my only blue eyed niece, great time on the mile- I wish I could run that fast! Thanks for the compliment & yes I do "force" myself, sometimes every step of the way.
Ming, I know you got my message, thanks for writing back & your kind words as well.
Thanks for ALL your encouragement Kitty. I still have to start weight lifting! & yes the running DEfinitely helps tons with grieving. You are absolutely right about it being a way to take care of yourself. I feel guilty when I don't exercise & I believe that is a good thing too.
; )
Thanks Claire, & for coming over too.

Lydia said...

You are such an inspiration! I should think of running again. I'm not sure my bunions would allow it, but I could start in little bits...